It's been a looooong time since I sat down to write something here, and don't even know where to start.

It will be 9 months tomorrow since Stan died and I was completely unprepared for how life would be without him.  I had always thought I knew how my friends who had been widowed felt--I had no clue. 

Now I have some idea how Vic felt when Peggy died and he was left alone, and I did so little to comfort him. I thought he was coping well because he would always say okay when asked how he was doing. Now I understand that is a coping mechanism in itself. 

I had expected that when I wrote here again it would be to tell what I know of Stan's life, but that will be saved for another time. At the risk of being too maudlin, I must say that I miss Stan in virtually every minute. Sure, as always, I laugh, talk and sometimes cry w/my friends, but in the back of my mind, there's the niggling thought as I wonder what Stan is doing. There are minutes when I still expect him to come around the corner, to be home when I get home or to be sleeping in his recliner. It's only been a couple of weeks since I woke up, noticed the other side of the bed was empty and the thought went through my head that he had gotten up before me.

There is no one here to share my day with, no one to pick up the slack, no one to share an inside joke with, no one to hold me when I cry, no one to put his arms around me and say, "loves ya, babe," no one to snuggle when I go to bed and my feet are cold, no one playing the tv too loud, no one to complain or hear my complaints over what is going on around us, no one to enjoy a pretty sunrise, sunset, crossing the Narrows bridge, looking at a pretty tree (or lots of them), Mt. Rainier, the Olympics,  no one to go for a long drive--just because, no one to share my pride in our kids and grandkids, no one to enjoy a meal with me--day after day, no one to do the things on the computer that I don't know how to do, no one to just be present with. There is no one here who can help wipe away my tears.

I am thankful, however, to God for giving me a man who only loved me--even during the times that we might not have liked each other (or ourselves, for that matter). I am thankful that he knew God--and vice versa, that he was loyal, hard-working, funny and caring. The 2 things that I would have changed for and about him if I'd had the power: I would have taken away his pain and would have helped him to think more highly of himself than he did.

Kelli put it very well when she said, after his service, that even if the things spoken about him had been written to him or spoken in his presence, he would not have believed they were about him.

I plan to be back sooner and hope not to be so "weepy." There are, however, lots of uncharted waters ahead for me. I am glad God gave us both tears and laughter to get through the rough patches in our lives.